Brock Boldbuck was an NFCAA quarterback who played for the Arizona Wildcats. In the second quarter of his first college start, he was sacked so hard by a group of Stanford defenders, his head detached from his body and he was proclaimed dead. Arizona coach Babatunde Oladotun was seduced into calling a play with a difference of 750, and Boldbuck was sacrificed to the football gods as a result of Oladotun's sin.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Boldbuck was born in Mesa, Arizona. He has a younger brother, Brady Boldbuck, who also plays football (and took over as Arizona's starting quarterback when he died). He was named after Brock Osweiler, as his parents were Arizona State fans. He was an avid football player from a young age. His coach on his old Pop Warner team once said, "That kid is gonna grow up to be a mediocre NFL quarterback." He had an extreme rebellious phase during his teenage years, rebelling against his parents so hard that he decided to commit to Arizona, despite receiving an offer from Arizona State. He was a four-star recruiting prospect. His scouting report out of high school said, "Has the tools to be a mediocre NFL quarterback one day."
College Career[edit | edit source]
Boldbuck sat on the bench his freshman and sophomore years, and did not seem to care about football because he was not playing. He spent most of his time partying (he partied with Rob Gronkowski once or twice) and having non-consensual sex (which the University of Arizona somehow managed to cover up every time). Regarding his behavior, Boldbuck said in an interview, "I'm a college kid, what else do you expect?" A wise man he was. In his junior year, new coach Babatunde Oladotun admired his wisdom on and off the field so much, he named him the team's starter going into the season.
Death[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, Boldbuck would only play a single quarter before tragedy struck. He played fairly well in the first quarter of the game against Stanford, throwing a deep touchdown to wide receiver Wilde Baller. However, towards the beginning of the second quarter, he dropped back to throw the ball, and the pressure game. A group of Stanford defenders, too many to count, all ran towards him, causing his head to detach from his body and him to die immediately. A difference of 750 had happened, the worst result possible in NFCAA football, so Stanford returned his fumble for a scoop and score. He was honored across the NFCAA after his death. Coach Oladotun immediately named his little brother Brady the new starting quarterback. Brady, on the other hand, would likely be a late round pick in the NFL Draft, but seemed more likely to turn into an elite NFL QB than his older brother. After an autopsy, it was revealed that Boldbuck's blood sauce levels were far too high for a football player, and he had eaten too much sauce before the game. This was likely the main reason he died, but the massive hit triggered it, as without the sauce his head wouldn't have come off so easily. This led to a few NFCAA coaches questioning whether their players were using sauce as a performance enhancing-drug, and a few began weekly sauce tests to make sure they weren't cheating and a repeat of Boldbuck's death wouldn't happen.
Arizona would go on to defeat Stanford 38-24. Brady threw for two touchdowns in the second half of the game. Coach Babatunde Oladotun dedicated the win to Brock. "We deserve to be #1 because our quarterback f---ing died and we still took the W," Oladotun said after the game.
Obituary[edit | edit source]
(credit to Colorado State Rams coach Alexander Hamilton) -
I would like to take a moment of silence to honor Brock Boldbuck before we resume play. He was chasing his dream, and died for it. He was only 21 years old, barely old enough to drink. And by god, did that damn party animal drink.
We will always remember him for his perfectly average face, smile, and slightly below-average laugh. He was a great man. He partied with Rob Gronkowski, at least, like twice. A true man of honor, he only raped women in ways that the school could cover up as legal. May he forever rest in peace. Amen.
His little brother, following his untimely demise, will take over the throne of U of A QB. All hail Brady Boldbuck.